It's not finished yet, but here are some progress photos:
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Before: Sad, grassless dirt patch. |
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In progress: 2x4 frame being set into the ground. |
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In progress: Weed barrier on the 2x4 frame, and sanded pallet planks beginning to be laid. |
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In progress: More pallet planks laid. |
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In progress: So close to being finished! |
As much as I'd love to be out there with them wielding power tools (seriously), I and my boobs are responsible for the wiggly squirmy Scoops. It's been hard feeling like my husband is never home, even though he's right outside. With all the dust and dirt flying around back there, it's not really a great place for a young baby to hang out. It's tested my patience more times than I'd care to admit, and I found myself continually having to just shut my mouth and walk back inside many of the times I went out to ask a question or offer a suggestion. I like to think my husband and I communicate pretty well, but we're still human, and ever since giving birth my hormones have been crazy irregulated, so I tend to escalate more often than I once did (not like I never did before, but I swear it happened less before Scoops arrived). My problem is my innate (perceived) need to be right. I've had to really let go of that and just trust my husband, our neighbor, and the process in general.
The other thing that has made this project mentally challenging for me, aside from feeling like I'm not allowed to be mad at the deck because I asked for it to be built, is feeling like I've also taken away my neighbor from his wife and kids. I've spent a lot of time feeling personally responsible for this guy being away from his family, but at some point I have to recognize that I'm not demanding his participation in this project. He's a grown-ass man and fully capable of making his own decisions. But feeling responsible for the situation caused me to believe that my neighbor's wife was angry or resentful, if not at me then at least at my project, and that perceived tension, coupled with the disconnection from my husband, made me feel for a few days like the deck was ruining my life.
So this project has tested my patience and put a bit of a strain on my marriage and relationship with neighbors. The bittersweetness of that fact is that I'm not alone. I had an opportunity to talk with my handy neighbor's wife, and she admitted she was feeling many of the same things I was, namely that the project was making her feel isolated from her husband. And then, something magical happened: we connected. This woman that I've admired from across the driveway, for her calm parenting of two rambunctious boys, for her time-tested marriage to her husband, for her nearly constant cheerful demeanor, opened up to me and honestly shared her frustration with her husband's absence. Actually, she apologized to me for feeling resentful of the project! Whaaa? You've been feeling resentful of this project? I've been feeling resentful of this project! I had been so mentally worked up over these concerns, and hearing her essentially validate them and offer reconciliation was like taking a weight off my shoulders. We both aired what was bothering us (she clarified that she wasn't actually mad at me), and we each assured the other that things between us were cool. And they are.
We also both recognized that this project has been really great for our husbands. In case you haven't reached this point in your life, you may find that as you get older, you have fewer close friends. Life gets busy, a baby especially will sap all your time and energy, and you get more relaxed about letting go of the people who just aren't contributing to a friendship. This, my lady neighbor and I acknowledged, is the case with our husbands (and ourselves). We agreed that it was nice to see them fostering a friendship, working with their hands, and doing something constructive together. Later, I wrote her a message and let her know that I hope she and I can do the same (at least in the friendship department, but who knows whether construction projects are in our future?). While I've accepted that I have fewer friends now than I did several years ago, I certainly don't think it's a bad thing to cultivate meaningful relationships with quality people throughout my life.
The long and short of it is: I've learned a few things from this process. I've learned that I need to always practice healthy communication techniques with my spouse, and with everyone else, too (and sometimes that means shutting my mouth and walking away until I can speak civilly). I've learned that when my husband wants to take charge of a project he feels passionately about, it's best to step back and let him handle things in his own way. I've learned that being honest and vulnerable with a neighbor or acquaintance can open the door to let friendship in. Most importantly, to be perfectly honest, I've just relearned all these things I already knew. Because sometimes we need a real-life reminder of things we already know, in order to keep the lessons we've learned in the past relevant to our lives today. And if you ask me, being rewarded with a new deck and new friendships is a pretty sweet way to keep this stuff relevant.
Finished project photos coming soon!