Balancing Act

A couple of nights ago, I thought my daughter had stopped breathing. 

I'm a little paranoid naturally, and becoming a mother has only intensified that. I recognize my thoughts are often irrational and unfounded, and I can usually talk myself off the figurative ledge fairly easily. When it comes to my baby though, I require more hard proof before I can effectively quell my fearful thinking. I allow myself to check on her since we only have an audio and not a video monitor, and especially since she learned to roll onto her tummy about two weeks ago. The few times I've checked on her to ease my worried mind, she's stirred as soon as I open the door and immediately assuaged my concerns. So when I tiptoed into her nursery tonight, I sort of expected that kind of immediate assurance of her well-being. But she didn't move. I told myself I could hear her breathing, even though I couldn't, and put my hand near her tiny button nose, pressed scarily close to the mattress since she'd rolled onto her tummy, and felt for her breath.

I didn't feel a thing. After the longest 5 seconds of my life, she took a calm deep breath, and relief washed over me in a warm wave. Immediately I started crying, and quietly left her bedside so as not to wake her. As I walked downstairs, I tried to process what had happened. I couldn't kid myself that it was a small deal, and had a good cry on my husband's shoulder while he echoed out loud what I'd been repeating in my head: she's strong, she's ok, it's ok to check on her. He encouraged me to go back upstairs and hold her, so we went up together. I picked her up and fed her while she slept, and then just sat in the nursery a while longer, holding my sweet baby and feeling my heart overflow with love and gratitude.

When I wrote earlier that "I allow myself to check on her" I meant that I try not to be a crazy, overprotective helicopter mom. I try to be logical and reasonable, and trust that the worst has not happened every time my daughter sleeps a little longer than usual. But I'm also not going to deny myself a visit to her nursery when I get that nagging feeling that I just NEED to see her. For me, this translates to finding balance, which I work on a daily basis to obtain in every aspect of my life. Note: that does not mean I always, or even usually, succeed. But I work towards it. I can't ignore the emotions and intuition that guide me to check on my baby, but I also won't allow them to overpower my entire thought process and unreasonably consume me. Except that sometimes I do (both the former and the latter), and then I'm off balance, so I just work to get it back. 

We are constantly being pulled in multiple and sometimes opposing directions, and the worst of the battle is usually not external, but in our minds. Rather than condemn ourselves for sometimes erring toward one extreme or another (because we will), let's just take each situation as a lesson in balance. When you get that nagging feeling in your gut telling you to ditch reason, go with your gut. And when you start to feel like maybe you're letting your gut dictate everything, maybe tell it to shut up once in a while. Let's keep searching for that happy medium between effort and ease, strength and softness, reason and intuition. And let's help one another in our daily quest for that happy medium, by recognizing that, despite differences in the details of our life experiences, we're all really in the same boat. And when we fall out of balance, let's go a little easier on ourselves and each other. We'll all appreciate the encouragement, especially from ourselves.

So tonight, mommies, daddies, and everyone else, I'm sending you scoops of love and peace, and reminding you that it's ok to fall out of balance sometimes. You'll find it again. We always do.