How to Take Your Baby to the Beach (in 21 Simple Steps)

This past weekend we took Scoops to the beach for the very first time. She's seen the ocean before, because we happen to live near it, but she hadn't had a beach day until now. She practiced (and pretty much mastered) the art of sitting up while on the beach blanket, but I'm sure the small divot I made in the sand for her butt played a part in that. She was pretty intrigued by the sand, liked being out in the fresh air and bright sunshine, and cried when we put her toes in the chilly water. We giggled and smiled, we snacked, we relaxed. Scoops even got targeted by a rude bird taking a mid-air deuce. It was perfect. (Would have been more perfect without the bird poop, actually, but I'll take what I can get.)

It wasn't until we were packing up to leave that I realized how much sh crap we brought with us. As my husband commented on the way home, "In my day, we brought a towel." Mine as well, dear. But now we have an infant, and while I'm sure we'll get better at this over time, this time we packed the whole house.

So without further ado, here are my (not so serious) tips for taking your baby to the beach for the first time in just 21 simple steps.

1. Wait until the morning of to start gathering your stuff. Whatever you do, ignore the reasonable voice in your head telling you to pack the car the night before. Really, it can wait. The adrenaline and frustration you experience with trying to pack your bags and then the car while the baby is awake will only fuel your speed-packing abilities. Besides, isn't there a rerun of The Bachelor on tonight?

2. Arise nice and early when your sweet baby does, promptly at 6 a.m. Feed the baby, and then fall back asleep. Did you think I'd advise you to get moving and get to the beach before the crowds descend on all the available parking? No. Review step 1 regarding adrenaline and frustration. It's good for you.

3. Roll out of bed bleary eyed and cranky about 9 a.m. Change the baby's diaper.

4. Hopefully you've already acquired a bathing suit, rash guard, bucket hat, and sunglasses for your sweet little cherub. No matter, pack clothes anyway. Who knows how long you'll be out? Infants are hardy and versatile, after all, and the last time you went day drinking near the beach you were out all day. It could get chilly between your early morning arrival at the sand and your sunset departure. Pack a long-sleeved onesie, a short-sleeved onesie, two pairs of pants, four pairs of socks (hey, they fall off and get lost), a fitted hat, and a jacket. Reread that list. Pack duplicates of each of those items, just in case. And make sure they match. God help you if they don't match. Bonus points if they coordinate with whatever you're wearing (but don't actually match what you're wearing, just coordinate -- you don't want to look like you're trying too hard).

5. Pause to change the baby's diaper.

6. Ask your partner to make you breakfast, because you're busy changing the baby's diaper. Wait, no. Forget to ask for breakfast, because you're distracted by that adorable little face. Just change the diaper. That's all.

7. Put on your bathing suitDONOTLOOKINTHEMIRROR! Don't do it. You look fine. Just step into the suit, and step. Away. From the mirror.

8. Pause to feed the baby again. (Spoiler alert: she's going to need another diaper change when you're done.)

9. Change the baby's diaper.

10. Pack two kinds of sunscreen (lotion for you because you're sensible, spray-on for your partner because he won't wear it anyway). Don't forget that infants can't wear most brands of sunscreen before 6 months of age, and pack a ridiculously heavy jar of coconut oil for baby's sun protection. As you did for baby, pack yourself some clothes for later. Shorts, a tank top, a T-shirt, jeans, sweatpants, a hoodie, and a hat you have no intention of wearing. Cram all items into several small bags. You could put it all in one big bag, but there's no challenge in hauling one bag out to the car. Don't you want to challenge yourself?

11. Lug your many small bags and squishy baby towards the car, grabbing last minute items like several baby carries, extra shoes for yourself, and snacks as you head towards the door. Don't worry if these extra items don't fit in your many bags. Just tuck them under your arm. The one that's not holding the baby, preferably.

12. Drop your items by the door and go back inside to change the baby's diaper.

13. Put the baby in her car seat, then pack all your crap into the car. Wait. Was that a squishy poop sound coming from the direction of your little angel? Go back to change the baby's diaper.

14. Reinsert baby into her car seat. Start your engine (the car, duh!). Go back into the house (please leave your partner in the car to mind the baby) to get your partner's jacket. You could have packed this when you were packing your own things, but you thought for sure he packed his own sh stuff.

15. Get back in the car and buckle your seat belt. Wait. Did you remember to pack 16 pairs of baby socks? You better go grab a couple, just to be safe.

16. Drive to the beach. Argue with your partner on the way there about which beach you'll drive to. You didn't talk about this last night when you weren't packing the car? Good. It's much better to just assume you both mean the exact same fu effing thing when you say "The Beach."

17. Sit in predictable beach traffic for FOUR HOURS before circling the parking area NINE TIMES and passing by at least THREE SPOTS that you pointed out but your partner didn't want to stop the car to claim. Make your partner stop the car obnoxiously in the middle of parking lot traffic so you can take your screaming child out of the car and go feed her. Grab the diaper bag, and nothing else of your boatload of luggage. Let your partner circle the lot another nine times, or as long as it takes to find parking.

18. Since you only grabbed your baby and the diaper bag, have a seat on the sand and begin to feed your darling little squish. Feel the healing power of the waves as you watch them crash on the shore, let the warmth of the sun melt the tension in your shoulders, and silently curse whomever just dared to light that disgusting cigarette as they walked past you at a distance of 25 feet. Give in to the sights, sounds, and smells that surround you, relaxing as your toes wiggle into the sand and your baby begins to doze in your arms, exposing your boob in all it's milk-spraying glory to the entire beach.

19. Smile angelically at your partner as he lugs the first load of sh crap across the sand. Don't feel guilty for not helping. You're holding the baby (she needs a diaper change, by the way). Wait patiently as your partner repeats the trip at least once more to get the rest of the crap you packed for your sojourn to the sand. (Spoiler alert: you won't be here that long.)

20. Pray that a bird doesn't sh poop on your baby. 

21. Enjoy watching your baby experience the sun, sand, and salt water. Take too many pictures. Don't stress about how dirty everything is getting. Tell your partner you love him. Smile. Have fun. Like every day, you'll never get this one back, and this one happens to be your baby's first day at the beach.