Sick and Tired. And Breaking Down.

Last week I was sick, like I haven't been in what feels like forever. I woke in the wee hours of the morning to the sounds of Scoops crying and almost fell over when I got out of bed. I was so dizzy and felt such pain and pressure in my ear, I was certain I had an ear infection. By the time I got up for the day and brushed my teeth though, I wasn't convinced anymore, and failed to call the doctor. At the end of the day it was more in my nose, so then I reasoned it was "just a head cold." Next morning, I swore I had a sinus infection. Why do I not just call the doctor? I don't actually have one right now, but if I did, I'm still not sure I would have called. I dunno why. Going to the doctor is a hassle I guess. And I don't like waiting rooms. Or prescription antibiotics (oh, those nasty side effects).

Anyway, the first couple days really weren't that bad, but by the third day I was actually miserable. The whole day I felt an intense need to sneeze, but I COULD NOT SNEEZE. I had the most ridiculous pressure in my head, my eyes were watering, my nose was dripping, and I realized that for the first time I was on my own, caring for my infant while battling a nasty head cold. Sinus infection. Whatever. I kept trying to put some pants on so I could take the dog for a walk before it rained and he refused to go outside, but Scoops was a whiny unsatisfied mess, and I finally ended up back in bed, trying to lay down and nurse her so we could both take a nap. I was trying to be ok with the fact that the dog might whiz on the carpet and I might honestly have a sinus and/or ear infection, but it was all going to be alright, but then the baby just would not stop crying and I. Broke. Down. 

I started sobbing, which made Scoops stop for a moment and stare at me, and just as I was starting to wonder whether I was scarring her for life she started sobbing, too, and I realized I kinda didn't care in that moment and instead loudly begged her to please stop crying while I finished positioning us for nap-time nursing so she could eat and I could hopefully sleep. Once I got her latched on we both stopped crying, and then I felt a little ashamed of myself. But not much.

The rest of the day included such fun activities as trying to pause the TV with the mute button; attempting to throw together some chicken noodle soup while Scoops napped by herself for 0.34 minutes; returning to the kitchen to find said soup boiled over and inside the stove; and leaving a wooden spoon on top of a stove coil, not realizing that burner was still on and wondering which of my next door neighbors was using a fire pit in the middle of the damn afternoon - no wait, that's just me trying to burn down the building. By the time my husband got home from work, I was so happy to see another capable adult I think I almost scared him right back out the door. After Scoops went to bed (fortunately, very early) I decided to try something semi-drastic to help myself feel better. 

I had been drinking fresh ginger tea with lemon and honey all day, which helped, but in the back of my mind I kept remembering KellyMom's advice to choke down some raw garlic as an alternative antibiotic treatment for mastitis. I figured mastitis, sinus infection, antibiotics would be prescribed for either. I'd never done this before and was incredibly nervous that it would upset my and my baby's stomachs, but decided to take my chances by justifying that tummy troubles could not possibly be as bad as The Sneeze That Never Happens. As suggested by KellyMom, I swallowed a whole clove (cut into about 5 or 6 pieces). Since nothing catastrophic happened, I took another clove the same way about an hour later (that's not recommended in the original article, but it's also not advised against and I was feeling desperate). Within about 15 minutes of swallowing the second clove of garlic the swelling in my nose went down and I could breathe. By morning, I woke up with a smile and felt ready for the day. I took my garlic medicine about 4 times that next day, and by the following day felt almost completely cured, so I only did one dose/clove of garlic. Just 3 days after I first tried the garlic remedy, I was completely back to normal. And I realized I learned a few things from this experience.

First: Fresh ginger tea is really easy to make, and so much more delicious (and effective) than dry tea bags.

Second: GARLIC. Holy Vampire Slayer you guys, that sh stuff really works! (And I'm happy to report it did not cause tummy trouble.)

Third: I have a breaking point.

This third point I already knew, of course, but this was the first time I'd really felt it. I'd never sobbed at my daughter before. When she was first born I was amazed by how I could feel so exhausted and frustrated at 3 in the morning, and yet so overwhelmingly in love with the source of my exhaustion and frustration. This sickness was the first time I didn't feel that overwhelming sense of enchantment with Scoops in spite of feeling exhausted and frustrated. My biggest concern, as I alluded to above, was how my breaking down would affect her. I thought about it later, after my head had cleared (literally and figuratively), and tried to remember my mom breaking down when I was a kid. If I thought about it really hard, I could sort of imagine that I remembered her being overly frustrated and crying a couple of times, but I'm not even sure those were real memories. Whether they were or not, I'm obviously not scarred for life since I can't even clearly recall those incidents. I'm certain that, as she is human, my mother had her fair share of moments of severe frustration, moments that probably involved tears and the phrase "break down." So I'm sure I saw my human mother feel human emotions and recognize her very natural breaking point. I turned out ok. In fact, I turned out being able to recognize my own breaking point, and embracing the fact that I am a human with human emotions. 

I'm sure I'll wonder plenty of times whether I'm ruining my daughter's childhood or scarring her for life. But I hope I can remember to acknowledge my humanity, and the fact that I turned out pretty normal, and trust that my daughter will grow up knowing that it's ok to feel and appropriately express human emotions. Yes, I broke down in front of her, and yes, I let her know that her crying played an influential role in my breakdown. But I also explained to her (I know, she can't understand my words, she's less than 5 months old) what I was feeling and experiencing, what I was doing to help us both, and that I love her so very much. As she gets older, I hope she also learns that it is possible to love someone and still be frustrated with her/him at times, but that in the end Love is always stronger. That's what makes the breakdowns bearable.